I wrote this while we were stuck in Salem, Oregon. Which, after visiting, I'd have to say is the perfect place to go if you're the kind of person who likes dead grass and uncomfortable silence.
I drove here today to see Patrick* in the only place I knew I could find him without him running away: Men's Wearhouse. After an hour's drive, I dropped Zac off at Starbucks and parked in front of the store to smoke a cigarette and wait for my hands to stop shaking. As I approached the door I took note of my un-racing heart and steady breath; pleasant surprises. Long story short, he wasn't there and now I've dragged my boyfriend 50 miles south of the city on a wild goose chase. But, something tells me it's not a total waste. We needed to get away from distraction to form our plan of action, and now we are in the middle of nowhere: check.
Zac and I have been fighting a lot in the last couple of days. It's not exactly each other we are fighting with, its the damn situation we are in. Looking for work is ALWAYS a pain in the ass, and even more so when it falls right in the middle of the longest road trip of our lives. I want to help him ease his mind, but all of my questions sound like nagging and all of my support is making him feel even more pressured to come up with a plan. I've never wanted an instruction manual for my life, but every now and then it would be nice to have one to reference. I imagine it would have sub-headings like:
- How to write an "I've Got Chlamydia" email page 80-81
- Ten ways to Flirt with the Elderly page 114-116
- The Best Places to Cry in Public page 171
- What to do when you lose your
keys page 230
cellphone page 231
weed page 232
mind ( see also : Going Mad with Class page 233
- Living with a Faulty Bladder page 256
But no such book exists, so I'm left with this trial-and-multiple-error lifestyle that's keeping my head halfway above the waterline; just enough to see and breathe. I wish this compass on my arm would start spinning. Today I am counting my blessings by what is NOT going wrong. I feel like crawling out of my skin, finding comfort in his distressed expressions that show me I'm not alone in this. Some days are just worse than others, and you've got to accept that you're in a funk for no reason.
Then, think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts...
What am I doing today? Drinking Chai and venting to no one
Where am I sleeping tonight? 10 inches from the greatest man I've ever cared about
And hey... the leaves all started changing today.
- Patrick is a very old friend of mine whom I haven't spoken to in almost 4 years. No further significance.